Image

Duck Dynasty Issues IQ Test for Remaining Members of the Show. Show Cancelled.

21 Dec

Duck Dynasty Issues IQ Test for Remaining Members of the Show. Show Cancelled.

WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA -There’s a reason that Duck Dynasty isn’t entitled Clan of Intellectuals. The show boasts of having strong values such as killing animals for sport, poor hygiene, and a Bronze Age mindset when it comes to what is and what is not acceptable. Since Phil Robertson’s recent gaffe, A&E has decided to ensure that no one else makes any other social faux pas so they sat the gun-toting, faith-filled, Southerners down and had them take a simple IQ test to ensure that no one else would be so stupid as to do something like their patriarch did and make an off-the-cuff distasteful remark to offend the American people.

They decided to set the bar low. All it would take would be an IQ score of 80 to remain on the show. None of them met the mark. The show is to be cancelled immediately.

Written by: Jon Webster

Image

JCPenney Renames the Term “Doorbuster” To Be More Accurate

30 Nov

Knoxville, TN – Black Friday is a day when people from all walks of life come together to turn out to stores they want to shop at early in the morning, sometimes camping out hours in advance, to get the best deals, some of which are only offered to the first few customers to get inside the stores and swipe up that new, much coveted, marked down item.
These deals have been traditionally called “doorbusters” due to the amount of people pushing and shoving to get through the doors first; until now.
As of late JCPenney has offered a more accurate term.
So, in the spirit of consumerism, let the Unintended Homicidal Stampedes commence.

Image

John Boehner Furious at Garth Brooks’ Parody of The Thunder Rolls Entitled “The Speaker Blows”

15 Oct

WASHINGTON – John Boehner has many qualities: tan, easily moved to tears, and stubborn just to name a few. He is even thought to be able to have a sense of humor; until now.
As of late, a man named Jon Webster has penned a parody of Garth Brooks’ The Thunder Rolls entitled The Speaker Blows about the mess that is Washington. Boehner has lobbied hard to have it removed from the internet and almost succeeded. We here at Unreal News have obtained the lyrics to that song. Here now are those lyrics to the parody of Garth Brooks’ The Thunder Rolls entitled The Speaker Blows:

(Verse 1)
3:30 on a Monday. Not a deal in sight.
D.C.’s lookin’ like a stalemate. Both sides puttin’ up a fight.
Neither side will yield. If there was decorum, it is at an end.
We are in the middle of somewhere that we never should have been.
And the Speaker blows.
And the Speaker blows.
Every head is turnin’.
To that Capital town.
Talkin’ on the telephone
Pleadin’ round and round.
Askin’ for a miracle.
Hoping we’re not right.
Prayin’ it’ll get better.
And they will make it right.
And the Speaker blows.
And the Speaker blows.

(Chorus)
The Speaker blows
And his unpopularity spikes.
As this shit gets real old
As D.C. fights.
As this all goes on
Spinning out of control.
Deep within our hearts
We know the Speaker blows.

(Verse 2)
As it reaches its crescendo,
After the economy took a dive,
We call out to scold them,
Some thankful we’ve survived.
And through all the hurt and pain
The debt ceiling grows
And the fightin’ ceases before our eyes.
And the next election they all go.

(Chorus)
The Speaker blows
And his unpopularity spikes.
As this shit gets real old.
As D.C. fights.
As this all goes on
Spinning out of control.
Deep within our hearts
We know the Speaker blows.

(Verse 3)
This doesn’t happen always.
It damn sure won’t happen anymore.
A new Speaker reaches for the gavel
Left by the Speaker before.
Tells the people of this nation
We won’t do this again.
It will be the last time.
From now on, we’ll take in more than we spend.

Written By: Jon Webster

Image

The Reason Boehner Is Now Behind Obama Attacking Syria

4 Sep

The Reason Boehner Is Now Behind Obama Attacking Syria

WASHINGTON – It has long been known that the GOP has insisted on opposing the President on legislation he has wanted passed and on decisions he has wanted to make.

McConnell even declared that it was the Republicans’ greatest political priority to deny Obama a second term.

Also, Boehner is a well-known, shrewd negotiator. When he walked out of the room that held the debt ceiling talks, he said infamously, “I got 98% of what I wanted. I’m pretty happy.” The Republican leadership has staunchly opposed everything Obama has wanted to do; until now.

After a meeting with the President, Boehner now backs Obama on intervening in Syria. We were lucky enough to get a transcript of that meeting.

Here now for the first time, is that transcript:

*Boehner walks in.*

Obama: (With big, knowing smile on his face) Welcome back to the White House.

Boehner: Mr. President, this is pointless. You and I both know that I have opposed your every move every step of the way since you have been sworn in and that is certainly not going to change now that most of the country opposes military action in Syria. I’ve not budged then and I’m not supporting your desire to attack Syria now.

Obama: (Beaming smile still on his face) Did I mention our newest addition to the White House?

Boehner: I don’t know if this is your clever idea of small talk, building rapport, what have you, but as long as I have breath in my lungs, I’m standing with the American people on this one.

Obama: John, you didn’t let me finish. (Smiling) We’ve just received the latest state-of-the-art Solar Storm 48ST Stand Up Tanning Bed complete with 48 extremely efficient high output lamps.

Boehner: Mr. President, I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, but…

Obama: And if you back me on Syria, you can use it whenever you want. And you can get your orangest for as little as 10 minutes at a time.

Boehner: Mr. President… Wait. Did you say in as little as 10 minutes?

Headline the next day: Surprise, Surprise: Boehner Announces Support for Obama On Syria.

Image

New Word To Be Added To Dictionary As A Result Of Miley Cyrus’s VMA Performance

27 Aug

New Word To Be Added To Dictionary As A Result Of Miley Cyrus's VMA Performance

NEW YORK – New words are added to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary each year. However, a word is usually only added when someone or something such as an event gets that word out into the public domain causing it to be frequently used to place the word into our culture’s vocabulary.

For instance, Stephen Colbert used the word “truthiness” in 2005 on his late night cable television show, The Colbert Report on Comedy Central and thus, the next year, it was officially added to the dictionary. More recently, this is the case with Miley Cyrus’s performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards.

The word to be added is “twerk.” It means gyrating one’s hips and/ or buttocks in a rhythmic motion used to get a reaction from those watching. That is the definition of the word and the example sentence to be added in 2014 will be “Billy Ray Cyrus shouldn’t have watched Miley Cyrus’s twerking performance at the VMAs because this caused his heart to ache and to break.”

When reached for comment about this new word being added to next year’s edition of the dictionary as a result of her performance, Miley Cyrus stuck her tongue out and put up a peace sign.

Image

Miley Cyrus: A “Child” Star No More

26 Aug

NEW YORK – We knew her as the sweet, innocent, and precocious Hannah Montana from her years on the Disney Channel; until now.

As of last night on the MTV Video Music Awards, Miley Cyrus has officially claimed and owned her sexuality as a woman.

She had a chat with Lady Gaga before the show and was given tips by the outrageous and unpredictable star on how to let her freak flag fly. What we all saw before our eyes when she performed was a whirlwind display of pent-up, repressed sexual energy.

A foam hand made an appearance in her performance and was placed and rubbed provocatively and suggestibly between Miley’s legs frequently during her routine.

Said her beaming father, Billy Ray Cyrus after the number, “She made my achy, breaky heart swell with pride.”

The foam hand she used as a prop has now been auctioned off at Southeby’s in an internet auction for charity going to an anonymous bidder under the username HeavyBreather4U who bought the item for $5,000 dollars.

Image

“Hitler Gets Angry” Video Poking Fun At Zuckerberg and “Facebook Jail” Taken Down By Youtube

23 Aug

SAN BRUNO, CALIFORNIA – Most social networking sites have an open policy of letting anyone add anyone else on the site without repercussions. Recently, that has come to not be the case on Facebook. As of late, if you add someone you do not know and they either don’t add you back or add you, but click that they do not know you outside of Facebook, despite having hundreds of friends in common with them, you are placed in what has been commonly called “Facebook Jail” banning you from adding anyone for 30 days.

Someone, apparently disagreeing with this decision by Zuckerberg and Facebook, has made a Hitler Gets Angry video entitled “Hitler Finds Out People Are Using His Social Networking Site …To Be Social … And To Network.” Since the video has been uploaded, it has been taken down by YouTube.

The closed-captioning for the video read as follows:

Officer: Has anybody told him yet?

“Hitler”: Told me what?

Officer: Guess not. People have been using your social networking site to add friends they have in common with others. Sometimes not exactly people they know outside of the site. However, when they do add people, usually it’s just the ones that they have hundreds of friends in common with.

“Hitler”: What? No. No. No. I will not sit here and let this happen. I created Facebook specifically for the purpose of letting people add friends that they know in real life and outside of this social networking site. I did not work this hard to get where I am today and steal the whole idea for this site from those damned Winklevoss twins to let this happen. No. Not on my watch.

Officer: Then, what do you propose we do?

“Hitler”: We will pass a law banning guns. We disarm them. We force them to give up their means of protecting themselves against us. Then we collectively and systematically round them up, put them on trains, force them to do hard labor, deny them proper and sustaining rations until they become emaciated, then when they are weak and frail, we round them up once again and put them in ovens and burn them alive and herd them into crowded shower rooms and then pipe in poisonous and toxic, lethal gas and exterminate them once and for all as our “Final Solution.”

Officer: Um. Sir, you are not a dictator and this is not your country to rule over to do with its citizens as you please. This is a social networking site.

“Hitler”: Then, what is the next most vile and spiteful thing we can do to punish them for good for this high crime of using my social networking site (obviously disgusted and repulsed) … to be social and (cringes) …to network? (indignant) I will not be mocked.

2nd Officer: We could ban them from adding anyone for 30 days.

“Hitler”: Done.