New Parchment Reveals Extended Prayer in Garden of Gethsemane

16 Apr


JERUSALEM – Throughout history, many scholars have suspected that the prayer Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane was too short due to the fact that Jesus refers to the time he spent praying in Luke 22:40 as one hour as he discovered his disciples had fallen asleep when he said, “Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?” They also imagined that due to what was getting ready to happen to Jesus (that he would be crucified), he probably had a lot on his chest and that the actual conversation between him and God was longer.

Recently, an early copy of the Gospels has been found. In it, an account of a lesser known disciple, Apostle Steve, the 13th disciple indicated that the prayer Jesus prayed was much longer than the single sentence Luke spoke of. In the new parchment, Steve included a transcript of the entire prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. Here now, for the first time, is that prayer in full:

Jesus: Oh, my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.

God: Sure.

Jesus: Really?

God: Psyche. Not gonna happen.

Jesus: You’re so mean. Any chance at all that I could get out of this?

God: People have wronged me. The only way I can forgive them is to have you tortured to death.

Jesus: And that makes sense to you?

God: Look. There’s been tons of prophecy about this in Scripture detailing out exactly how you will die. I can’t back off now. I’m too invested.

Jesus: It’s bad enough how you treated Mom and Joe. Now this?

God: What do you mean?

Jesus: Well, for starters, you got Mom pregnant in a time and place where if a woman was even suspected of losing her virginity before marriage, they would kill her.

God: So, what’s your point?

Jesus: Couldn’t you have at least waited until they got married? They nearly stoned her to death on her father’s doorstep until Joe stopped them. And if that’s not bad enough, you got her pregnant on a timeline where she would have to travel 100 miles nine months pregnant on the back of a donkey. And then, you weren’t even chivalrous enough to give her a room at the inn to give birth to me in. Made her deliver me in a fucking barn because you apparently wanted me to have humble beginnings.

God: Don’t talk to your Father that way. If you don’t watch your mouth, I’ll have everyone refer to your execution date as Good Friday.

Jesus: You wouldn’t.

God: Try me.

Jesus: This is bullshit.

God: Done.

Jesus: You’re a bad father.

God: Just for that, I’ll have everyone wear little crosses around their necks, so after I bring you back and you ascend to Heaven to sit at my right hand, your followers will be wearing a constant reminder to you of the way you suffered which will probably make you have flashbacks and give you PTSD.

Jesus: What’s PTSD?

God: Don’t worry about it.

Jesus: You’re so confusing sometimes.

God: I’m mysterious.

Jesus: You’re a vindictive asshole. This fucking sucks. I’m not doing it.

God: You don’t have a choice. I am the LORD.

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