Archive | February, 2014
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Pat Robertson Insists Atheist Apologize for Day of Birth

21 Feb

Pat Robertson Insists Atheist Apologize for Day of Birth

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA – Pat Robertson has had some pretty controversial things to say about well… everything. From advocating blessing donated clothes to drive out suspected “evil” spirits to blaming “the gays” for Hurricane Katrina, he has been unabashedly vocal about some incredibly stupid shit. But now he may have just outdone himself.

Sherrya Lawless, a satirist and poet in the atheist community was born on 9/11. And now Pat Robertson has called on her to apologize for her “disrespectful” action (which in no way she was responsible for) of being born on and inevitably celebrating an anniversary which most Americans mourn.

Said Robertson, “I have had a problem with this young woman from the get-go; from her satirical, witty poems poking fun at religion to her photoshopped images giving the appearance that she attended the crucifixion of Christ, she has angered me to no end. But to be born on the day that Muslim terrorists, unprovoked, attacked our peace-loving democracy? I just…”

Those were the last words he spoke. The young woman’s blasphemy got to Pat so much that he worked himself up into a stress-induced stroke. He is now hospitalized and is said to be recovering. There is no word yet as to whom will be his temporary replacement as the fill-in host of the 700 Club. But rumor has it that Joel Osteen, who has had his eye on the coveted spot, may have what it takes to fill Pat Robertson’s shoes; at least for now.

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Ken Ham Wins Debate Using “You Weren’t There” Tactic. Thousands of Years of Recorded Human History Called Into Question

6 Feb

PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – Some say that it shouldn’t even have happened. Richard Dawkins tried to talk Bill Nye out of debating Ken Ham on the subject of creationism, saying that by deciding to engage him, he would be implying that the subject was worth having a discussion over.

Repeatedly, Ken Ham made the remark, “You weren’t there,” in an effort to debunk hard science and the overwhelming majority of actual scientists out there who regard evolution as true.

However, the results of a FOX News poll gathered mostly by surveying 80-something year old white men who kept making fun of Nye’s bow tie during the debate and thus, not actually paying attention, have revealed that from those surveyed, 90% thought Ham won. Since the aging pale male demographic is an indication of what the majority of Americans believe, thousands of years of recorded human history has been called into question.

When told the results of the survey and asked how it would affect further discussion about science, notable astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson said, “Bye,” and walked out of the room in a fit of hysterical laughter.