Archive | January, 2014
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Ted Cruz Episode of Scare Tactics to Air Longest Episode on Record Because He Won’t Admit He’s Scared

11 Jan

Ted Cruz Episode of Scare Tactics to Air Longest Episode on Record Because He Won't Admit He's Scared

WASHINGTON – Ted Cruz thinks he’s tough. He says he doesn’t scare easily. His resolve and stubbornness was put to the test in the latest episode of Scare Tactics on the SyFy network.

The show put together a more than willing group of food stamp recipients and invaded his home at one in the morning, demanding he sponsor a bill to raise the minimum wage and when most people would be their most terrified, they asked him what they ask everyone at this point, “Are you scared?” His answer was, “No.” By this time, he had already peed his pants and was shaking out of sheer terror.

They persisted. His answer was a quivering, stammering, “N-nope. N-not one b-b-bit.” This dialogue went on in a verbal standoff with the down and out low wage earners and the Texas Senator while he elaborated on why he was not utterly terrified and lasted for approximately three hours.

Due to the nature of the episode and because they had such a high-profile name on the show, the episode will be aired in continuity and in full this next Thursday on the SyFy Network.

I guess even when it comes to admitting he’s scared, he just has a thing for filibusters.

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Mitt Romney Furious Over New Parody Version of Jay Z’s 99 Problems

6 Jan

Mitt Romney Furious Over New Parody Version of Jay Z's 99 Problems

WASHINGTON – Mitt Romney lives the easy life. He has had very little problems since he was born into wealth, attended prep schools, and went to an Ivy League University. After college, he became CEO of Bain Capital where he made an exorbitant amount of money. However, as of late, he has become enraged at a new parody version of Jay Z’s 99 Problems. Here now are the lyrics to that song.

I’m having real problems but don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Mitt. He’s old. Election almost stole.

Koch bros with money they bank rolled.

My critics say socialist cause they’re my foes.

It’s the economy, stupid. Trying to cut what this nation owes.

Trying to make sure our middle class grows.

So you all can celebrate the minute you have some dough.

I’m trying to improve this nation as a whole.

Tryin’ to silence the cynics. My campaign theme is “Forward.”

Conservative radio, I won’t go on their shows.

They can talk all they want. I don’t give a shit. So.

Most mags try to use my black ass

So advertisers can give em more cash for ads. Hustlers.

Harvard is the school from which I’m a grad.

If you understand I’m intelligent, you may be glad.

‘I’m from rags to riches, sucka. I ain’t dumb.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one

I’m having real problems but don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

In 2004, it was me you saw.

Keynote speaker. Quite a crowd I draw.

Told them they had two choices. Kerry or

Some clown who would make the country worse for the poor.

I delivered the speech my way, Ace. Piece of cake.

Then I raised a few dollars. And I made my case.

“Your sights are set too high.” Or so I was told.

I wondered why there was folks trying to be stopping me for

Being young, being black. In the ring, my hat I did throw.

I’m a really good speaker, sir. I don’t know.

Will I pass the test? I guess soon we’ll know fo’ sho’.

Not quite yet 55. Closer to 44.

I saw soon how high I had set the bar.

I would soon set the Republican party ajar.

Questioned my birth certificate even though it was legit.

Seems like some people didn’t want me to be President a little bit.

Most likely it was because my skin is black.

Most of them in the South had a big problem with that.

I’m smart. That’s a fact. You’d think I’m a lawyer or something.

Gonna be somebody important or somethin’.

It seemed that among Democrats I was a big hit.

Republicans tried to downplay my shit.

We’ll see how I do when the election comes.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

I’m having real problems

But don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

I’m having real problems

But don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

Now once upon a time not too long ago.

I had to go up against all the money of the Koch bros.

Their fundraising was even more than McCain’s could hope to be.

I’ll use the bully pulpit. Just you try and shush me.

My people gave all they could afford.

If it was a contest, they wouldn’t have won any awards.

On the rich, I wanted to impose a tax hike.

Give the middle class a break. Gonna be a hell of a fight.

When it comes to making Boehner cry, he’s easy to sadden.

Try to negotiate with him, it just isn’t gonna happen.

There he goes tit for tat again.

McConnell too, ruin the economy was their plan.

When it came to deals, they had heavy hands.

Think it may have been cause my Dad was African.

And we keep electing them.

Look at their faces. They’ve got pig in shit grins.

It’s alright ‘cause secret service carries guns.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.