Archive | December, 2013

Cracker Barrel Underestimates Redneck Patron Base. Decides Not to Take “Cracker” out of Title of Restaurant after All.

30 Dec

LEBANON, TENNESSEE – Recently after Phil Robertson’s gaffe, Cracker Barrel Restaurant and Old Country Store initially decided to distance itself from Duck Dynasty’s patriarch and appealing to a more high-brow audience, decided to change its name from Cracker Barrel to just “The Barrel.” Said their CEO, “We’re just tired of the redneck thing.” They even started to replace corn bread with caviar, catering to a more sophisticated palate. With the intended name change, failed Presidential candidate turned Fox favorite host, Mike Huckabee, voiced their decision, much like their food, “left a bad taste” in his mouth.

So after much deliberation, Cracker Barrel recanted and brought things back to the status quo. However, they may have overcompensated with their servers now being allowed to wear camouflage and not shower nor shave before going on duty to wait tables.


Duck Dynasty Issues IQ Test for Remaining Members of the Show. Show Cancelled.

21 Dec

Duck Dynasty Issues IQ Test for Remaining Members of the Show. Show Cancelled.

WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA -There’s a reason that Duck Dynasty isn’t entitled Clan of Intellectuals. The show boasts of having strong values such as killing animals for sport, poor hygiene, and a Bronze Age mindset when it comes to what is and what is not acceptable. Since Phil Robertson’s recent gaffe, A&E has decided to ensure that no one else makes any other social faux pas so they sat the gun-toting, faith-filled, Southerners down and had them take a simple IQ test to ensure that no one else would be so stupid as to do something like their patriarch did and make an off-the-cuff distasteful remark to offend the American people.

They decided to set the bar low. All it would take would be an IQ score of 80 to remain on the show. None of them met the mark. The show is to be cancelled immediately.

Written by: Jon Webster