Archive | August, 2013

New Word To Be Added To Dictionary As A Result Of Miley Cyrus’s VMA Performance

27 Aug

New Word To Be Added To Dictionary As A Result Of Miley Cyrus's VMA Performance

NEW YORK – New words are added to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary each year. However, a word is usually only added when someone or something such as an event gets that word out into the public domain causing it to be frequently used to place the word into our culture’s vocabulary.

For instance, Stephen Colbert used the word “truthiness” in 2005 on his late night cable television show, The Colbert Report on Comedy Central and thus, the next year, it was officially added to the dictionary. More recently, this is the case with Miley Cyrus’s performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards.

The word to be added is “twerk.” It means gyrating one’s hips and/ or buttocks in a rhythmic motion used to get a reaction from those watching. That is the definition of the word and the example sentence to be added in 2014 will be “Billy Ray Cyrus shouldn’t have watched Miley Cyrus’s twerking performance at the VMAs because this caused his heart to ache and to break.”

When reached for comment about this new word being added to next year’s edition of the dictionary as a result of her performance, Miley Cyrus stuck her tongue out and put up a peace sign.


Miley Cyrus: A “Child” Star No More

26 Aug

NEW YORK – We knew her as the sweet, innocent, and precocious Hannah Montana from her years on the Disney Channel; until now.

As of last night on the MTV Video Music Awards, Miley Cyrus has officially claimed and owned her sexuality as a woman.

She had a chat with Lady Gaga before the show and was given tips by the outrageous and unpredictable star on how to let her freak flag fly. What we all saw before our eyes when she performed was a whirlwind display of pent-up, repressed sexual energy.

A foam hand made an appearance in her performance and was placed and rubbed provocatively and suggestibly between Miley’s legs frequently during her routine.

Said her beaming father, Billy Ray Cyrus after the number, “She made my achy, breaky heart swell with pride.”

The foam hand she used as a prop has now been auctioned off at Southeby’s in an internet auction for charity going to an anonymous bidder under the username HeavyBreather4U who bought the item for $5,000 dollars.


“Hitler Gets Angry” Video Poking Fun At Zuckerberg and “Facebook Jail” Taken Down By Youtube

23 Aug

SAN BRUNO, CALIFORNIA – Most social networking sites have an open policy of letting anyone add anyone else on the site without repercussions. Recently, that has come to not be the case on Facebook. As of late, if you add someone you do not know and they either don’t add you back or add you, but click that they do not know you outside of Facebook, despite having hundreds of friends in common with them, you are placed in what has been commonly called “Facebook Jail” banning you from adding anyone for 30 days.

Someone, apparently disagreeing with this decision by Zuckerberg and Facebook, has made a Hitler Gets Angry video entitled “Hitler Finds Out People Are Using His Social Networking Site …To Be Social … And To Network.” Since the video has been uploaded, it has been taken down by YouTube.

The closed-captioning for the video read as follows:

Officer: Has anybody told him yet?

“Hitler”: Told me what?

Officer: Guess not. People have been using your social networking site to add friends they have in common with others. Sometimes not exactly people they know outside of the site. However, when they do add people, usually it’s just the ones that they have hundreds of friends in common with.

“Hitler”: What? No. No. No. I will not sit here and let this happen. I created Facebook specifically for the purpose of letting people add friends that they know in real life and outside of this social networking site. I did not work this hard to get where I am today and steal the whole idea for this site from those damned Winklevoss twins to let this happen. No. Not on my watch.

Officer: Then, what do you propose we do?

“Hitler”: We will pass a law banning guns. We disarm them. We force them to give up their means of protecting themselves against us. Then we collectively and systematically round them up, put them on trains, force them to do hard labor, deny them proper and sustaining rations until they become emaciated, then when they are weak and frail, we round them up once again and put them in ovens and burn them alive and herd them into crowded shower rooms and then pipe in poisonous and toxic, lethal gas and exterminate them once and for all as our “Final Solution.”

Officer: Um. Sir, you are not a dictator and this is not your country to rule over to do with its citizens as you please. This is a social networking site.

“Hitler”: Then, what is the next most vile and spiteful thing we can do to punish them for good for this high crime of using my social networking site (obviously disgusted and repulsed) … to be social and (cringes) …to network? (indignant) I will not be mocked.

2nd Officer: We could ban them from adding anyone for 30 days.

“Hitler”: Done.


Huma Abedin’s Marriage Vows Revealed

12 Aug

Huma Abedin's Marriage Vows Revealed

NEW YORK – Since Anthony Weiner’s bad behavior has become public, his wife has stuck by his side. Many of us have wondered why, like Tammy Wynette, she has “stood by her man;” until now. Apparently, she had known about this behavior before they said “I do.”

They had a private ceremony. Only close friends and family were in attendance. The following was included in her marriage vows to her husband and is the reason she has not yet filed for divorce:

“I, Huma Abedin, promise to love you, Anthony Weiner, in sickness and in health. Even if that sickness involves an impulsive, uncontrollable, fetish exhibitionism that causes you to lose your job. Specifically, I promise to love you even if you unintentionally and publicly tweet a picture of yourself in your underwear sporting an erect penis. Furthermore, I promise to love you even if you do it yet again but this time the pic is of your junk with no underwear on and it is sent by you under a Mexican-sounding username on a social networking site called Formspring.”


WHO Reports Decrease In Suicides Worldwide Since The Addition of the “Like” Button On Facebook

4 Aug

WASHINGTON – Facebook has brought humanity many things. It has connected people who otherwise wouldn’t have met, provided an outlet where folks can vent, express their opinions on subjects important to them, and allowed users to socialize with close friends, acquaintances, and family members in their lives. A recent study by the World Health Organization has discovered that with the invention of the “like” button, there has been a significant decrease in suicides worldwide. In fact, suicides are down on average 20 % since the feature’s creation. Said Zuckerberg, “We added the ‘like’ feature because we knew that our users enjoy positive feedback from those with whom they have contact. When we included it, we had no idea we would preventing suicides and improving our users’ self-esteems but if we have made the world a better place for those who otherwise would have remained depressed, we were more than happy to do so.”


Royals Decide On Name Of New Baby

1 Aug

Royals Decide On Name Of New Baby

KENSINGTON PALACE – There has been much ado about the birth of the royal baby. Millions of people have been enamored with the child born to William and Kate Mountbatten-Windsor. Finally, they have decided on a name for the infant. He will be called Ken Kardashian. The name was chosen by the royal couple because like their bundle of joy, the Kardashians are people the public are interested in and care about, but in actuality are folks who don’t really affect the lives of most of those engrossed. Said Prince William, “A lot of people have become fascinated by the birth of our child, some caring more about our son than even we do. Like the Kardashians, our baby is just someone that the media has tricked people into becoming fixated on by reporting on him ad nauseum.”