Archive | July, 2013
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Hollywood Bans Horror Genre Cliche of Emaciated, White Woman With Stringy, Black Hair Calling It “Overdone”

30 Jul

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone has seen it. From films such as The Ring and The Curse to Mama and The Conjuring, the effect used to frighten moviegoers has been an image of an emaciated, white woman with stringy, black hair. This has been a successful tactic to sell tickets; until now. Big names in Hollywood are apparently tired of this all-to-common thread. A petition has garnered enough signatures to ban the effect altogether. Said Stephen Spielberg, “I honestly think we are doing the right thing here. I mean it’s been done enough. It would be like me continuing to make movies about sharks after Jaws was so popular. It’s time for a change.”

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Official Transcript Of George Zimmerman’s Visit To A Psychic Released

30 Jul

Official Transcript Of George Zimmerman's Visit To A Psychic Released

SANFORD, FLORIDA – We are all familiar with the story about George Zimmerman gunning down Trayvon Martin. What you may not be aware of is that he visited a psychic shortly afterward to determine how to remain safe amidst death threats and people wishing him ill. The psychic he went to is the kind that records her sessions and when she found out who he was, she was kind enough to release the transcript to us here at Unreal News. Here, for the first time, is that transcript.

Zimmerman: You’ve got to help me. I did something I shouldn’t have and now there are people who want to kill me. Can you tell me what is going to happen to me so I can avoid anyone’s intent to do me harm?

Ms. Zelda: Yes. Yes. I see a lot of anger, hatred, and disgust aimed at you and in your general direction.

Zimmerman: Well, I kind of figured that. What does my future look like?

Ms. Zelda: You have eluded prison time and the justice system once. But…

Zimmerman: Yes??

Ms. Zelda: I see…

Zimmerman: Yes??

Ms. Zelda: I see….

Zimmerman: Just tell me already!

Ms. Zelda: I see that in 18 years, you will be tried, convicted, and sentenced to 33 years on robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges.

Zimmerman: Like what? Like O.J.?

Ms. Zelda: Yes.

Zimmerman: Well, this is awful news.

Ms. Zelda: Yes. Ms. Zelda see everything. Come back tomorrow if you want to know who this season’s bachelorette picks.

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Missing Verse In Matthew 4 Revealed

30 Jul

Missing Verse In Matthew 4 Revealed

JERUSALEM – Most people are under the impression that when Jesus was fasting for 40 days in the wilderness at the end of which, Satan visits him and engages him in discussion that Satan’s intent was to be worshipped, to lead Jesus astray, and tempt him, thus staining a perfect and blameless record of a man who knew no sin. However, recently an early and until now, missing copy of the text reveals a different story. The passage which up until now has read at Matthew 4: 3-5

3 And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.

4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple,

should read at verse 5,

5 And then the devil replied, “All I’m saying, Jesus, is that you need to start taking better care of yourself.”

It is now clear that Satan was just trying to get Jesus to eat something and to end his bout of anorexia. This is the first edit for the Bible since it was canonized. Will it be the last?

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Anthony Weiner Campaign Still Trying To Decide On A Fitting Slogan To Run On For Race For Mayor Of New York

29 Jul

Anthony Weiner Campaign Still Trying To Decide On A Fitting Slogan To Run On For Race For Mayor Of New York

NEW YORK – We all know the story and have heard much about Anthony Weiner’s fall from glory. He was the quintessential fire-breathing liberal representing New York in the House of Representatives. It seems, like some powerful men in high places, he just couldn’t help himself when attractive women messaged him on Twitter. The conversations were lewd and inappropriate, considering, after all, he was and still is married. Then, when meaning to send in a message to a woman, a picture of him in his underwear sporting an erect penis, he accidentally tweeted the pic publicly and initially denied he had done it at first, going on news shows claiming he was hacked. Afterward, he admitted publicly it was he who tweeted the photo of himself but refused to resign. And finally, he publicly resigned. Now Anthony Weiner has announced his candidacy for Mayor of New York City. However, even after all of this, it appears that Anthony’s sexting has continued under the moniker “Carlos Danger.” His campaign is now trying to decide between their top three choices for a campaign slogan. They have narrowed it down to: “Anthony Weiner: What A Dick!,” “Vote For Anthony: Because It’s What Carlos Danger Would Want,” and “Anthony For New York: Because He’s Not A Huge Dick. He Just Has One.”

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Donald Trump Reveals How Stuart Smalley Helped Him Get His Groove Back

29 Jul

Donald Trump Reveals How Stuart Smalley Helped Him Get His Groove Back

NEW YORK – A few years ago, Donald Trump released a book entitled How to Get Rich. It was marketed as a how-to guide for financial prosperity. It was pitched that way; but it was in essence a how-to book about how to be Donald Trump. He even included in the book on how to gain riches “play golf.” He has since revised this book by adding to it by revealing something we may not know about him. Said Donald Trump in his new very likely to be soon best seller, “Many of you reading this may not know this about me, but I’m notoriously insecure. I attempt to compensate for this by telling everyone how smart I am and reminding everyone how decadently successful I am. I am infamous for this. You may know that a few years ago right after my first divorce, I went bankrupt. I lost it all. Around about that same time there was a skit on Saturday Night Live that featured Al Franken playing a character named Stuart Smalley. He would end each skit by looking in a mirror and saying, ‘I’m good enough. I’m smart enough; and doggone it; people like me.’ Well, when I saw, this I was immediately lifted out of my depression and armed with a new outlook and lease on life I started doing this and that has made all the difference.”

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Leaked: George W. Bush Always Referred To Putin As “Vladimir” Because He Couldn’t Say The Man’s Last Name Without Snickering

19 Jul

WASHINGTON – When you are President, it is important to be couth concerning international relations. Never make crude jokes or exhibit inappropriate or silly behavior as Commander-In-Chief. It has long been thought that George W. Bush has always referred to the leader of Russia as Vladimir because the two were so close; until now. Richard Clark, the man who tried to warn the 43rd President of the United States about the 9/11 terrorist attacks has now revealed in an interview with ABC News that because of the President’s immature sense of humor, he couldn’t even say Putin’s last name because it sounded like the slang term for flatulence. Said Clark, “He may be quite possibly the most childish President we’ve ever had.”

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Modus Operandi For Popular Facebook Group “HONOR FREEDOM (President George W. Bush)” Revealed

18 Jul

DALLAS, TEXAS – Ex-President George W. Bush’s popularity is the highest it has ever been and the Facebook group “HONOR FREEDOM (President George W. Bush)” is one reason for this success. The group was started as a way to promote a positive image of the 43rd President in a PR campaign that has worked well. It has been a mystery why this has gone swimmingly; until now. The original gameplan has been leaked to the public. Said the document, “George W. Bush really doesn’t have any good quotes to remember him by because of his fumbling with the English language. He really doesn’t have any accomplishments to speak of either. So, our mission is to increase his popularity solely by posting really, really good photos of him to the group.”