Archive | June, 2013

Paula Deen To Begin New Singing Career At The Kentucky Derby

26 Jun

Paula Deen To Begin New Singing Career At The Kentucky Derby

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY – The now infamous, cooking show icon, Paula Deen has had some unpopular choice words which were leaked to the media as of late. Her remarks were so distasteful to the American public that The Food Network, her former employer, has refused to renew her contract. She is now claiming to have a yet unrevealed, hidden talent. She claims she has quote, “the voice of an angel, y’all.” and plans to now unveil her golden pipes at the next Kentucky Derby. Surprisingly the good folks at the Derby have welcomed her with open arms. Said a spokesman of the time-honored tradition, “she’s a celebrity who claims she can sing. We are taking her word for it and letting her sing My Old Kentucky Home, which has marked the beginning of the Derby since its inception, however we are butting heads over the inappropriate use of the original lyrics, written in 1852, which reference black slaves as “darkies.” She is insisting that she sing the original lyrics and we find that off-putting, especially considering the hot water she is in over her other remarks about people of color.” So, will this be a fresh, new start for Paula Deen or a disaster in the making for the oldest sporting event in the nation? We will continue to cover this story in depth as it progresses.


Obama Decides To Do Cigarette Commercial To Compensate For The 5% Pay Cut He Gave Himself

6 Jun

Obama Decides To Do Cigarette Commercial To Compensate For The 5% Pay Cut He Gave Himself

WASHINGTON – Cigarette commercials became a thing of the past in 1970; until now. Laws banning cigarette companies from making commercials have become lax for one man as of late. The first one in years was made featuring the President of the United States a few days ago. Using the Office of the Presidency, Obama has issued an executive order permitting cigarette commercials to return to the airwaves. Said Barack Obama in the commercial, “Sometimes people get stressed out. And I would know. I probably have one of the most stressful jobs anyone could have. Even though I exude a cool demeanor, sometimes the job gets to me, and when that happens, I reach for a Lucky Strike. Its smooth tobacco taste makes all my troubles evaporate.” And as you can guess, politicians across the aisle are up in arms about this. Said John Boehner, “The President needs to spend his time more wisely. Appearing in cigarette commercials; even if they are his favorite brand is beneath the Office of the Presidency.” This seems hypocritical to say the least of John Boehner’s statement. Boehner himself has been solicited by Always In The Sun brand self-tanner, his preferred tanning solution and will be doing a commercial to hit airwaves next month.