Archive | May, 2013

Bernie Sanders Introduces The Irresponsible Penis Act To The Senate

21 May

Bernie Sanders Introduces The Irresponsible Penis Act To The Senate

In our culture, we teach women to avoid getting raped rather than telling men not to rape. In response to this attitude by society, Bernie Sanders has handcrafted legislation where if a man is convicted of rape, our court system would have his penis surgically removed by a doctor. Said Sanders, “If a man is irresponsible with a gun and commits a crime, we take away his right to own a gun. If someone drives drunk, we take away his license. Therefore, I am proposing this legislation to make it so if a man abuses his privilege of having a penis and commits a crime with it, we deny him his right to own and use one. It will save the criminal justice system countless dollars in imprisoning felons and eliminates the problem from occurring again. And the man who committed the crime can walk around and the recidivism rate is virtually zero.” When consulted about the procedure, Russian-born American surgeon, Dr. Kutcherkaukauff commented, “It will be a simple surgery with little pain and since the testicles are not what are being removed, there will be little to no lingering pain.” Women’s rights advocates are praising his efforts, saying, “Enough is enough.” However, men’s rights groups are villainizing him, calling him a traitor to his own sex, pointing out that nowhere in the legislation does it indicate what will be done if a woman commits a sex crime. Said Rand Paul, “What then are we to do if a woman commits rape? Sew up her vagina?” To which Sanders responded, “Noone cares about men anymore. It is now the era of the woman and the homosexual.” Sanders continued, “If a woman commits rape, she will simply be incarcerated because sewing up a woman’s vagina is backward, barbaric, and akin to female genital mutilation where the clitoris is removed from young girls to prevent them from enjoying sex.” Paul Ryan pointed out, “What if DNA evidence overturns the ruling finding the accused innocent and now you have a man who has unjustly been scarred by society and has no penis?” To which Sanders eagerly and enthusiastically explained, “He will then have another penis attached; a bigger one if he so chooses to right the wrong.”


Snoop Dogg Admits He Wrote Who Am I? (What’s My Name?) During Bout of Amnesia

4 May

Snoop Dogg Admits He Wrote Who Am I? (What's My Name?) During Bout of Amnesia

There has always been an aura of mystery around the famous gangsta rapper Snoop Dogg. He has a reputation of being very tight-lipped about the sources of inspiration of his songs. Until now. Recounts Snoop, “Well, me and my boy, Dre got in a fight who had more hoes and bitches and motherfucker hit me over the head with a 40 oz. and sho’ ’nuff, it put me in a daze. My head was bumpin’. I kept asking ‘Who am I? What’s my name?’ Dre thought it was funny and he said we should write a song with that as the title.” Snoop was kind enough to give us insight into the source of inspiration for this song, however, mum’s the word on Bitches Ain’t Shit.