Archive | April, 2013
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Kim Jong Un No Longer A Threat To The United States

27 Apr

Kim Jong Un No Longer A Threat To The United States

Recently, amid all of the saber-rattling and empty threats to involve The United States in an all out nuclear war, there is now a more peaceful North Korea. Un, apparently, as shocking as it may seem has now gone through his adolescent state and gotten all of his pent-up angst out of his system. Said Un, “I really just needed to spraypaint some shit, do some soft gateway drugs, and get some binge drinking under my belt and now that I have, I’m totally fine.” Apparently all his bluster was just a phase. “It’s something all dictators go through, especially new one.” remarked the now peaceful Un. “And as far as The United States is concerned, ‘Live and Let Live,’ I say.” So America now rest assured that this dictator is no longer a threat to the nation with the world’s largest military budget.

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Maker of Popular App, Words With Friends Unveils New Game

24 Apr

Maker of Popular App, Words With Friends Unveils New Game

Words With Friends has become a modern classic with folks with smart phones everywhere. It’s a game for young and old alike. It has become so popular that the maker of the game has teamed up with T.V. psychologist, Dr. Phil to create Words With Enemies. The concept is you add people with whom you don’t get along that well in order to improve your relationship. The board has no edges and is nearly eternal in all four directions. Each player is given an unlimited amount of all letters of the alphabet to use in each turn. Instead of one word at a time, each participant will create an “I feel” statement to attempt to vent and repair damaged and broken relationships and the statements will be connected, like Words With Friends, perpendicularly across the board. People trying to work on their marriage, estranged co-workers, and in-laws everywhere are flocking in droves to the new game. “Relationships are important; some more than others and Words With Enemies is giving people who have had a disagreement a fresh, new start.” said Dr. Phil. Repairing relationships is the purpose of the game, but when people start the game it usually results in the kind of arguments that occur between complete strangers scrawled on bathroom stalls hurling profanity-laced insults and ethnic slurs at each other. When this was pointed out to the sponsor of the game, Dr. Phil blamed the idea on Oprah.

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Celebration!, A New Brand of Erectile Dysfunction Pill’s Marketing Methods Found to be Ineffective

19 Apr

Celebration!, A New Brand of Erectile Dysfunction Pill’s Marketing Methods Found to be Ineffective

A brand, spankin’ new miracle drug that promises strong, lasting erections has dwindling reported sales. The drug entitled Celebration! due to the fact that they consider you getting a new lease on life worthy of celebration to the point that when you order, they announce your new ability to get a hard-on to your immediate neighbors with a mailer indicating the man ordering the pill’s name and address, hoping to reach new clients, is ineffective on sales. Said the President of Celebration!, “Apparently men like privacy about this kind of thing and really don’t want their neighbors to know about their sex life. Now, we have realized most men prefer discretion, but we’re optimistic about our new mail-order pharmaceutical for women, Oh God!, a lotion that heightens sensitivity and we plan to use the same method of marketing we tried with the men. What? You’re looking at me like this is a bad idea.”

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Alex Jones Comes Up With New Conspiracy Theory Involving Ice

19 Apr

Alex Jones Comes Up With New Conspiracy Theory Involving Ice

AUSTIN, TX – Alex Jones, who is no stranger to novel, original, and compelling ideas about people’s ulterior motives with targets ranging from the U.S. Government to international public figures, has recently come to the conclusion that restaurants use ice for the nefarious reason and purpose as “filler” to cut down on costly drinks that they serve you. “They don’t care about the customer at all. They don’t care about what you want; what I want. They are after your money and need to be stopped. Here on out, I will be specifically asking for ‘no ice’ in my beverages when I dine out.” said Jones. Shortly after this interview, Alex went back to his internet talk radio show where he spoke of the mailman intentionally using paper to give him papercuts.

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Bill O’Reilly Takes Long, Hard Look at Himself in Mirror in Bowling Alley Bathroom. Stops Calling People “Pinheads.”

19 Apr

Bill O’Reilly Takes Long, Hard Look at Himself in Mirror in Bowling Alley Bathroom. Stops Calling People “Pinheads.”

Bill O’Reilly’s favorite insult to someone is and has always been calling them a “pinhead.” Most recently, before he started writing books killing off famous Presidents, he wrote a book entitled Pinheads and Patriots with an image of Barack Obama above the word “Pinheads” and a picture of himself above the title “Patriots.” He has used the term so often, but now after a startling realization has abandoned the term altogether. “I just can’t believe I’ve never seen it before,” said a tearful O’Reilly. I’m the pot calling the kettle black. I’m not living in a glass house; I’m living in a glass castle.” Bill O’Reilly has made this self-discovery, however, he still insists that the volume of his voice is an indicator of how right he is.

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Well-known Player and “Ladies’ Man,” George Clooney Hospitalized After Colossal Burn by Woman

19 Apr

Well-known Player and “Ladies’ Man,

George Clooney, who is no stranger to strangers’ bedsheets may have finally met his match. After approaching svelte, classy, and sophisticated lady, Grace Tollini with the canned lines, “Baby, if you go on a date with me, you’ll be like a candle. You’ll melt.” and, “Honey, if you go out with me, you’ll be like the karate kid. You’ll wax on about me to all your friends.” not missing a beat and tired of all his bullshit, Grace quipped, “My dear, George Clooney, if you ask me out, you’ll be like the karate kid because I won’t have sex with you and you will be one who whacks off.” Stunned Clooney who has never been turned down by a woman is now in critical condition at Los Angeles Regional Hospital with a bruised ego.

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Theologians Discover Actual Meaning of “Helper” Status of Women in the Bible

15 Apr

Theologians Discover Actual Meaning of “Helper” Status of Women in the Bible

JERUSALEM – New parchments were discovered recently more precisely articulating the true meaning of the title, “helper” given to women in the Bible in relation to men. Bart Ehrman, the James A. Gray Distinguished Professor of Religious Studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, elaborates, “It’s not what Biblical scholars and theologians have thought at all. It doesn’t mean ‘helper’ in the sense of ‘It’s Shake and Bake and I helped.’ The term means more along the lines of if someone hired Tony Robbins or Dr. Phil to ‘help’ them in life, or if you will, as a personal trainer ‘helps’ people get in shape. It means literally ‘expert.’ Turns out god realized that man, after creating him, didn’t know what the fuck he was doing and created a superior being that did know what to do in order to make sure the man didn’t screw up.” The rest of that nonsense about submission and subjugation is also bullshit according to the new parchment. Will this change how women are viewed and treated by the Abrahamic religions? Only time will tell. Only time will tell.