Archive | March, 2013
Image

Dawkins Tells Off Diaz at Dinner

31 Mar

Dawkins Tells Off Diaz at Dinner

Richard Dawkins, while dining with Elise Andrew, Lawrence Krauss, Brian Green, Tracy Day, Bill Nye, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Cameron Diaz, got tired of hearing stories from Diaz about her hair and boyfriends in the midst of some of the greatest minds of the 21st century and apparently could stand no more. “Here you have at this table myself, Elise Andrew, Lawrence Krauss, Brian Green, Tracy Day, Bill Nye, Neil deGrasse Tyson and you, my dear, Cameron Diaz. One of these is clearly not like the others. Why, this reminds me of every porn film I have ever seen Ron Jeremy in where the rest of the cast is much more attractive and the whole flick has to be sullied by his famous and ugly ass.” Cameron, quick on her toes, piped up, “Are you calling me ugly?” To which the evolutionary biologist quipped, “No, my dear, I’m calling you an idiot.” and then left the table.

Image

Facebook Technical Support

31 Mar

Facebook Technical Support

Facebook locked up on me the other day and I couldn’t click on anything so I called up technical support.
This is how the conversation went.

Me: Hello?

Facebook Technical Support: Yes. This is facebook technical support. How may we help you?

Me: Yes. I’m having a problem getting my cursor to click on links on facebook. They don’t seem to work and I can’t get them to load. What do I need to do?

FTS: Have you tried repeatedly clicking on the link you are trying to open?

Me: Yes.

FTS: Have you tried angrily clicking on the link you are trying to open?

Me; Yes.

FTS: Have you tried yelling, “Fucking thing’s stupid.” like an angry Bill O’Reilly?

Me: Actually, yes.

FTS: We cannot help you.

Image

Hitchens on Mr. Rogers

29 Mar

Hitchens on Mr. Rogers

Christopher Hitchens, who is well-known for his no-holds-barred criticism of beloved icons such as Bill Clinton and Mother Teresa had yet another target that he had written about to be published, but at the last moment, it was pulled by the newspaper that was supposed to print it. Here is the lost article Hitchens wrote on Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

“Mr. Rogers, as he is formerly known to his young, impressionable television audience on his show on PBS always end his show by telling the children watching him. ‘You’ve made this day a very special day just by being you and I like you just the way you are.’ He acts as if he knows each child on the other side of the television personally. This is not possible, and his assertion that he likes the child just for being himself is ludicrous at best. It is quite possible that the child hearing this has just intentionally ripped off the heads of all his sister’s Barbie dolls and what’s more than that, beats up and torments his little brothers and sisters on a regular basis. Mr. Rogers needs to approach his job with a greater sense of responsibility and humility, not acting as if he knows each child and that in fact each child is as good as he says they are. He very well may just be, unbeknownst to him, endorsing bad behavior on the part of some children in his viewing and listening audience and an end soon needs to be brought to this.”

Image

It’s Not Mine. It’s Urine.

29 Mar

It's Not Mine. It's Urine.

P. Diddy recently said that he used to wet the bed until long after most kids stop doing so. He said that now that he is secure in himself and all that he has accomplished, he can say this with virtually no embarrassment. He elaborated, “In fact, I have been planning this moment out for a while using the evolution of my names. I came to the scene as Sean “Puffy” Combs and didn’t feel quite able to reveal this about myself then. So, then I tried changing my name to Puff Daddy and wasn’t quite yet ready then to say it either. Then, one day, I finally knew I was ready. So I changed my name to P. Diddy. And the rest is history.” Some people say this, like the changing of his names is all just a made up publicity stunt. So, the question remains. Pee? Did he?

Image

Bill O’Reilly, a Pinhead?

25 Mar

Bill O'Reilly, a Pinhead?

Bill O’Reilly’s favorite insult to someone is and always has been calling them a pinhead. Most recently, before he started writing books killing off famous Presidents, he wrote a book entitled Pinheads and Patriots with an image of Barack Obama under the word Pinhead and a picture of himself under the title Patriots. He uses this term so often, but when push comes to shove, I wonder if he has ever seen a bowling pin and a mirror at the same time.

Image

Bill O’Reilly, a Pinhead?

25 Mar

Bill O'Reilly, a Pinhead?

Bill O’Reilly’s favorite insult to someone is and always has been calling them a pinhead. Most recently, before he started writing books killing off famous Presidents, he wrote a book entitled Pinheads and Patriots with an image of Barack Obama under the word Pinheads and a picture of himself under the title Patriots. He uses this term so often, but when push comes to shove, I wonder if he has ever seen a bowling pin and a mirror at the same time.

Image

Tennessee State Highway Authority Tries New Approach to Prevent Roadway Fatalities

24 Mar

Tennessee State Highway Authority Tries New Approach to Prevent Roadway Fatalities

Tennessee State Highway Authority not satisfied with signs stating how many roadway fatalities have occurred this year, followed by a stern and sobering “Don’t be next.” concoct a plan involving an image of the Grim Reaper with blinking strobe lights for eyes that reads the sign aloud in a scary voice accompanied by audible Halloween/ Michael Myers theme music. “What we aare really trying to do is scare people into being safe and nothing is scarier than the merchant of death himself, the Grim Reaper,” an official for the Tennessee State Highway Authority said. “We thought about having flames with it, but that might be going too far. Don’t get us wrong. We are definitely trying to scare people, just not give them nightmares.”